Honest Trailer: Alien Isolation
by WraithTemplar
Summary: This is something I decided to do just for fun. I own absolutely nothing. Enjoy!


From the same company responsible for the division of the Sonic the Hedgehog fanbase (Sega) comes a grizzly game that proves that even in space, everyone can tell when you piss yourself from fright.

Alien: Isolation

After the disaster of Aliens: Colonial Marines, prepare to be isolated from your online friends, as Alien: Isolation finally returns the Aliens franchise to its former glory, by mercilessly throwing you into a terrifying single-player experience that finally allows us to forget this. (The dancing aliens and glitches from Colonial Marines)

Meet Amanda Ripley, a woman whose mere name alone makes it seem like the developers took the idea from the AvP Fanfiction archive. Guide her in a quest to discover what happened to her mother, Ellen. Munch on popcorn as Amanda dares to board Sevastopol, the most obvious death trap in space, complete with every sci-fi trope the series has to offer: obviously dangerous spacewalks, ominously empty hallways, and glass windows that somehow always prevent you from saving the few characters that aren't trying to kill you.

Run, hide, and…hide some more, I guess…from the single Alien, a living, learning AI that's ultimately responsible for most of the near-heart attacks in the game. Feel your heart rate go up, as you're forced to creep around every corner, hide in lockers or under desks, freak out almost every time you have to go into a vent, and hastily complete objectives without being noticed…until you eventually make the stupidest of mistakes and get jumpscared for the millionth time. Then cry inside as you're forced to repeat the process, and think of ways to outsmart the Alien, until you finally discover and ruthlessly exploit the Alien's only weakness…scaring it with fire.

Woooh. Burn, baby! I'm having roasted Alien tonight!

But it's not just the Alien you need to watch out for. Meet the Working Joe androids, a bunch of generic evil machines that somehow earned the trust of most of the station's inhabitants, despite the evidence from six movies and God-knows-how-many games proving that no one should trust these guys at this point. And cross paths with the various human survivors in stealth scenarios that only end when the Alien eventually enters the room and proceeds to enjoy an all-you-can-eat human buffet.

They said Amanda could become anything, so she became a junk hoarder. Prepare to put your crafting/survival gaming skills to good use, as you desecrate bodies, hack your way through every computer in sight, loot every room in the station, and collect all sorts of bulls**t…that you'll use to craft even bigger bulls**t. And stock up on an additional arsenal of guns to aid you in your quest…that somehow prove to be next to useless against the game's biggest threat. Because nothing screams nightmare fuel like a Xenomorph with a body made of steel!

(Shows Amanda shooting Alien with a revolver, failing, and getting killed as a result) Nanomachines, son!

As if the terror of the main story wasn't bad enough, prepare to conquer Survivor Mode, a literal clusterf**k of challenges, new maps, new characters, and even more jumpscares. Then jump into Salvage Mode, a brutal survival challenge where you're forced to pick your poison between one objective and the other, and make the toughest decision in gaming history: taking the easy way out and escaping, or staying in hell long enough to beat your younger sibling's high score.

So whip out that fancy motion tracker, ready your flamethrower, and enjoy a video game that finally does the Alien franchise the justice it deserves, because as horrifying as an intelligent Alien is, nothing will compare to the horror that dares to call itself a prequel. Yeah, I'm talking to you Prometheus.

Staring:

Generic Fanfiction Protagonist (Amanda)

The Nerd You Used to Make Fun of In High School (Taylor)

Deaths Behind Glass

The Only Good Guy in Weyland-Yutani (Samuels)

More Deaths Behind Glass

Hi, I'm Here to Make Your Day Better (Working Joes)

No More Mr. Nice Alien (Xenomorph)

And,

Seriously, About Every Major Death In This Game Happens Behind Glass.

Alien: Science-Fiction Horror Simulator

Oh, thank God! A save point! Now I can just jog over there and— (Alien catches up and kills the player) Oh, come on! The more I play this, the more I feel the Alien's trying to troll me!


End file.
